I am, I said

I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair

I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost and I can't
Even say why

-Neil Diamond

I used to think this was his stupidest song. Which says a lot. I love Neil. I am flying my dad out in a couple weeks to go to a ND concert. But Neil has some pretty stupid songs. It only makes him more lovable. "And no one heard at all, not even the chair." WHAT? Dave Berry wrote a couple pages on how ridiculous that phrase is, but every now and then, I get what it means. It is beyond what I can describe, but sometimes you feel so invisible, that without an actual animate object around to verify your existence, you can't prove you are even there. Kind of Catcher in the Rye stepping off curbs and thinking you have disappeared.

I was listening to that song this evening when I went jogging. I know. Crazy. There were no bad people chasing me, and the ice cream man wasn't in front of me. I just suddenly felt like jogging. I didn't last very long, but that's not the point. I felt empowered.

This feeling has inspired some other crazy behavior from me. Such as confronting Steve. I decided that his behavior was unacceptable, and as miserable as he can make my life, it is illegal, and I can have the last word. I may never get a reference from him, but who knows what he would have said about me anyway.

I found the company policy on fair treatment. "All employees have the right to expect to be treated with fairness and respect." I had him read it.

n: Steve, I don't think you treat your employees appropriately.
S: O.K., what do you mean, give me examples.

I know he is not so stupid that he can't recognize inappropriate behavior in himself, but I decided to humor him. I wasn't there to fight, just to say my piece. I also didn't want to play the 'woe is me' part. I dislike the way ALL of the department is treated, all the way up to Patrick.

n: The way you lose your temper with everyone.
S: Tell me something from today.
n: Well, this morning I found my water bottle in the pile of boots and raingear. (this is a very minor example. I wanted to start small, but the way he reacted to this was better than all of the major examples I brought up later.)
S: WHEN I OPENED THE FRIDGE, IT FELL ON MY HEAD!!!! (he is taller than the fridge, and the bottle was empty)
n: Right, and I understand that you were mad. I would have been too. I would completely understand if you yelled at me when I came in today and told me to never put my water bottle somewhere it could fall. But throwing it in a pile of dirty boots wasn't the right way to deal with it.
S: IT LANDED ON MY HEAD!!! I was going to throw it up on the freeway!!!!
n: I know you were mad, my point is, where you put it was wrong.
S: Dave would have done the same thing.
n: And he would have been wrong.
S: YOU PEOPLE PUT ANYTHING ANYWHERE YOU WANT! THIS PLACE IS A MESS!!! IT"S DISGUSTING!!!
n: STEVE!!! I know you are frustrated, I know you are mad. That is completely O.K., but throwing something that I put IN MY MOUTH in a pile of boots covered in MANURE and raingear used for ENEMAS is unnecessary, inappropriate, and UNSANITARY !! Do you understand?!
S: I didn't see it that way, I just reacted!
n: That's what we need to talk about... the way you react. The attitude here is live with it or quit. I don't want to quit, but I can't live with it either. And I shouldn't have to.

That's pretty much word for word. I am really proud of myself for keeping so much control. I was hardly even shaking. It helps that I prayed first.

The conversation went on for an hour and a half. He made excuses based on the way he was treated as a child, gave multiple examples of reasons why he is frustrated with us (which I can't argue with, we are frustrating, but that's not the point), and finally said he would try to do better. He thanked me for speaking up and said that not many people would have done it. I felt better.

The next day he made Shannon cry. Mission not accomplished. Now that I have confronted him though, I won't have to debate about going to HR with my concerns. He knows where I stand, he's been warned. I won't take anymore.

I am, I said. And Steve heard. Whether he listened or not, doesn't really matter.